


A Vision Of Pure Reality

by acolyte_of_agdistis



Category: Dice Funk Podcast D&D Campaign
Genre: (lmao why is that two words), Enthusiastic Consent, First Time, Hand Jobs, M/M, Masturbation, Robot Sex, Sexual Discovery, alternate title: “dice fuck”, alternate title: “jerking off with the twink ghost in your brain itself”, full spoilers for all of season 4 of dice funk, is it still masturbation if you're possessed?, oh g-d
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 17:31:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15890742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acolyte_of_agdistis/pseuds/acolyte_of_agdistis
Summary: René Eddi learns something new about himself, and Mardis Valamin rediscovers something old.AO3’s inaugural Dice Funk smutfic.





	A Vision Of Pure Reality

**Author's Note:**

> THE GUY I LIKE THE MOST IS A SWEET AND SEXY GHOST
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBKqfQRA-KU

It was hard to describe the nature of their connection. They were by definition inseparable. Mardis saw everything Ed saw, felt everything he felt. They were synergistic (now more literally than ever), synchronized, one being and two beings and something in between. The rest of Team Loser just ran with the fact that their friend had a whole other person in his head, which was cool of them, but Ed didn’t think they realized the utter strangeness of his situation. 

Or they were just too preoccupied. Or Lenora was just high. Ed wasn’t one to worry too much about that sort of thing.

Most people make it through life with one body and one soul, then lose the former as the latter moves on. Ed had died, or not died, or something in between, and suddenly Mardis was part of his life. He did his best to accept the strange circumstance, and the stranger circumstances that followed and led him to channeling a Form through himself. Ed had once hoped that leaving the game would help him gain some semblance of control over himself. The world set out to prove him wrong again and again and again until he had no choice but to let the waves carry him where they would.

Despite doing what he thought was a pretty good job accepting that reality, he had been feeling…strange as of late. Nothing unpleasant, but nothing familiar either. At first he had passed it off as a side effect of becoming a conduit. The sensation of static electricity, of shuddering warmth, of a balmy breeze dancing over his body, a confusing and seemingly senseless thing that manifested at random and left just as suddenly.

He ignored it. Why worry? It wasn’t hurting him or anything. Then he saw a couple kissing each other ferociously in the Quarter Round, and he felt the same feeling, and he realized where in him it was centered, and then he could no longer ignore it.

When the two of them wanted to talk, it was like they simultaneously existed in two planes. Ed’s physical body was back on the Prime Material, sweeping or petting his cat or whatever else, but most of his consciousness retreated to a hazy mental space where they could see and perceive each other. Today, it took the shape of a small study, all dark wood illuminated by a bright fireplace. Mardis, fuzzy around the edges, was reading a book in a crushed velvet armchair. Ed briefly paused to wonder what that represented (a real book he had read before? A string of memories he was thinking about?) before shaking his head and centering himself.

“Mardis, I want to talk about something.”

Pointed ears quivered slightly. Ed noticed. It was damn near impossible to conceal things from each other. “Oh? What sort of…thing? Should I be worried?”

Ed chuckled. “I don’t think so. I doubt I’ll be saying anything you don’t have an answer to.”

Mardis nodded thoughtfully. “Not to brag, but I did quite a lot of reading back in my corporeal days. Hopefully I have you covered."

“I’ll cut right to it, then. What have I been feeling lately?” Ed sat back, and because he wished it, there was another armchair there to catch him.

Mardis paused, and as his gaze left the book in his hands, it promptly vanished. He stared at Ed for a long moment of complete silence. “You…don’t know?” Ed shook his head and Mardis laughed to himself. “Corellon, I thought you were willfully subjecting me to this.”

“If I made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry.”

Mardis shook his head, glasses sliding minutely down his nose as he did. “Believe me, that’s not the issue. I am the truest version of myself, now, and I was hardly a celibate person back in my corporeal days. I experienced the same physical desires that other Eladrin did. It only makes sense that I would continue to experience them once I rejoined with a body.”

Ed tilted his head thoughtfully to one side. “And they’re being reflected into me? I don’t think my model supports those sorts of sensations.”

“Believe me, René, there are all sorts of routines and subroutines buried in your programming that beg to differ. I have no idea if this feeling is coming from you, or me, or both.” Mardis sounded both amused and aloof, but a telltale flush was dancing up his collarbones and over his cheeks. Ed saw it, considered it, found it delightful. “I don’t mean to claim I know you better than you know yourself, but there are parts of you that you’ve never stopped to consider.”

“And you’ve considered them?”

“Eladrin are taught the value of research."

Ed leaned forward, now, and watched minute emotions play across Mardis’ face for a quiet moment. “And what other values could you teach me if I asked?”

Mardis looked at him, and away, and for a moment straight through him. “Ones that most people prefer to explore privately, as I understand it.”

Ed took his chin, and in this place, it was with a warm, soft hand. “If it’s with you, I don’t mind.” Ed thought he might explode with that admission. Or melt. Or perhaps both, and take Mardis with him, and together they would become the most embarrassed pile of slag in Valentine.

Ed’s focus snapped back to the real world, where he had been silently standing in a corner of his room. Marti leveled a baleful stare as he was rather impolitely pushed outside and had a door closed in his face. Ed had some sense of propriety, after all.

“So, how do we do this?” he asked, perhaps out loud and perhaps solely in his mind.

“You may want to sit down.” He did. “And relax.”

“Am I tense?”

Mardis chuckled. “You will be.”

Ed shrugged and settled into his chair more comfortably. “What now?”

“Now we sit for a moment while I try and figure something out.” 

There was no sound in the room save for Ed’s breathing audio loop. There was no feeling in his body other than his joints’ usual aching. There was nothing, then it shifted, and he couldn’t move. That was normally what happened when Mardis took control of the chassis, but abnormally, Ed still felt his joints, and the stillness of the air in the room, and the subtle shifting of his muscles as he naturally adjusted.

Mardis laughed triumphantly. “Got it!”

“This is new,” Ed commented. Two Mage Hands snapped into being in front of him. “Your focus is impressive."

“Oh, I haven’t even gotten started yet,” Mardis whispered, and Ed _felt_  the puff of air on his ear, and he shivered with the perception. Almost as an aside, a thought tumbled out. “I’d almost forgotten what it was like to feel hungry.” 

“And hunger is what you’re feeling now?” Ed inquired.

Mardis’ spectral hands rested for a moment on Ed’s thighs, pulling them wider and wider apart so he could marvel more readily at the space between them. “René, with the knowledge that I could’ve been doing this with you for the past 8 years, I would call it _starvation_.”

Something unhinged, and something else shifted, and a length of metal emerged from Ed’s groin. Mardis smiled. “There you are.”

Ed thought he understood why people blushed, now. Mardis was controlling his eyes, and they were focused on his…genitals. They were nothing remarkable, he supposed, slightly chipped in places and creaking with disuse, but their appearance was the only thing remotely normal about the situation. He was embarrassed, perhaps?

No, he realized. Not quite.

He was _excited_.

And after a pause, they both came to a realization. “Where’d you leave your oil?” Mardis asked, and now he seemed the more bashful of the two.

“Dresser,” Ed mumbled, and Mardis shuffled them over to the drawer, and dug around and found the bottle, and fumbled the lid open, and sat them back down with a hand covered in shiny grease. It caught the waning afternoon light and gleamed as if daring Ed to acknowledge exactly what it was there for.

He had temperature sensors down there, he realized, and that was perhaps the last cogent thought he had. He ran a little hotter than the average Warforged after his body had been stitched back together, and the oil was a pleasantly cool sensation relative to him, and he decided he should concern himself with the dazzling contours of that motion and wonder instead of think.

It dripped down his thighs onto the chair beneath him, and now something else was slick and gleaming and demanding Ed’s undivided attention. “Fuck,” he muttered, paralyzed in place and brimming with something very much like anticipation.

“Nothing quite so crude,” Mardis mumbled from somewhere above, around, inside him. The Mage Hands took Ed by the hips, and Mardis started moving. The friction, smoothed out but omnipresent, was something so exquisite it left him wondering if there was still a god alive somewhere responsible for blessing him with it. He felt like there was a bomb inside of him, each tick of its countdown flooding him with trembling warmth. 

“Please,” he found himself saying, not sure what he was asking for. “Please.” He was stretched like a rubber band, like taffy, and every tug and stroke pulled him further and further apart.

Mardis’ breath was coming quicker and quicker in his ears. “Yes, always yes,” His hand, Mardis’ hand, the chassis’ hand, was firm and unyielding and it squeezed just so and Ed felt something very similar to shorting out and-!

And then it was over, and he knew that Mardis was smiling ferociously, and he used the last thread of awareness in him to throw his arms around himself in a tight hug.

“Ah, so no second round then?” Mardis teased him.

“I think I deserve a break after my first round ever,” Ed shot back, sighing to himself at the mess they’d made. Another chore for the list. “We’ll talk about seconds when it’s your body getting all mucked up."

* * *

Frank blinked heavily and took stock of the situation.

Aeron was dead. Valentine, Itself was dissipating. Crown was theirs. Bloodmaw was awake. Lenora was lighting up a blunt. They had won.

And Mardis’ hand was in Ed’s, and a smile was on both their faces, and Ed leaned in and whispered something that left the Eladrin flushed a pale scarlet.

Frank couldn’t help his eyebrow raising. _Well. Can’t say I saw that coming._

**Author's Note:**

> if any of the dice funk crew read this: thank you so much, the season finale was great, I'm very sorry
> 
> for the rest of you: please follow me on twitter @5thcurtis where I normally produce much less shameful content


End file.
